


Shitty Poetry

by SkywardGeek



Series: Original Works [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Original Poetry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:22:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24988258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkywardGeek/pseuds/SkywardGeek
Summary: Depression in the form of Poetry
Relationships: Author/Self
Series: Original Works [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/887826
Kudos: 6





	1. It’s not that deep

It's not that deep so don't read into it  
Can't keep the beat so cut the music  
Finding my feet, positions one, three, five.  
Two and four is on the other side.  
Smile, don't show your lungs pushing at bones;  
Don't move your shoulders, all for the show.  
A quarter turn, to a half; snap your neck;  
Your _terre a terre_ hurts but don't object.  
You stumble, fall, get back up and try.  
You land back on earth, because you can't fly.  
  
Tchaikovsky's music, Aurora's control  
Slips at the touch of a spinning wheel;  
Your dance is disciplined, holding its nerve.  
 _Arabesque_ , pulled up into a curve,  
Though you hate yours, that's why you always ache,  
Telling yourself "it's for my own sake."  
As though walking on the edge of the knife,  
Precarious balance - edge of life.  
A dance is just a dance until it's not.  
Pretty lies are lies best left to rot.  
You've sowed, so this is what you will reap.  
Don't worry though, it's really not that deep.  
  
Breaths tug at my lungs, my skin at my bones.  
  
That ache, that drive leads me by the wrists.  
A siren's call, I follow to the depths  
  
 _Terre a terre_ , heel toe toe heel, to land  
Without injury, but with no grace  
Either. My ribs ache with contained shudders  
As I smile because I am separate  
From myself because I need to be  
To be perfect, to dance _en pointe_  
A _pirouette_ , to Chopin, Tchaikovsky,  
Sleeping Beauty. Beauty without the  
Thick thighs, see through lies  
That aren't as see through as I hope.  
That drive keeps pushing me.  
To chase an unattainable perfection  
  
So cue the music.  
I've found the beat.  
En pointe, dance with grace.  
It's not that deep.  
Don't question the smile  
That I keep on my face.  
  
You stumble and fall, so you start again;  
You have to chase a version of  
Perfection


	2. Poetry

I dont see the point  
In finding a rhyme  
Or learning about verse,  
Metres, and lines.  
It makes it cold;  
Too analytical by far.  
A bit presumptuous  
To say that we are  
Aware of intent  
Or the meaning behind  
The words that are chosen  
Or forced to make rhyme  
Or repeat over again  
Or glottally stop  
Or repeat over again,  
So can we just not  
Enjoy it for the sound  
And not beyond that  
A reading's a reading  
Let's leave it at that.  
But if you look closer  
The meaning is plain  
Words aren't ever words  
So I shouldn't complain  
Over a misplaced comma  
Or a run away rhyme  
Because the author may just  
have found the right time  
To hide their thoughts  
Or their emotions beneath  
Words thought shallow  
Beyond belief  
I don't care for poetry  
I'm not one for art  
But if you look carefully  
And take things apart  
You'll find a world hidden  
Learn something new  
About a love lost  
And one that bloomed  
About a ship full of death  
Of a walk by the graves  
Down a long winding path  
other authors have paved.  
So I'm not one for poetry  
And I don't care for art  
But I appreciate the soul  
And merits of the heart.


	3. I Want You To Fuck Me

Good girl in a nice dress  
Clean cut and freshly pressed  
Always, always out to impress  
So you dont see me break down  
  
I want you to fuck me,  
Tease me,  
Hold me down til I'm pleading  
Bite me until I'm black and blue  
  
Perfect grades, perfect hair.  
A mannequin without compare.  
Bent knees, silent prayer  
That I can keep this up  
  
I want you to fuck me  
Eyes on me  
Hurt me til I'm bleeding  
Turn me into someone new  
  
Bad girl in a nice dress  
Will show the truth but only when pressed  
Need to, need to stop trying to impress  
Because I'm going to break down.  
  
I want you to fuck me  
Love me  
But your signs I'm misreading  
I can't put this on you  
  
Painted face, styled hair  
Porcelain doll laid out bare  
Silent sin and a wasted prayer  
These expectations are holding me up  
  
I want you to fuck me  
Kiss me  
Miss me when I'm leaving  
But you don’t feel the way I do  
  
Lonely girl, shrugs off her dress  
Who am I even trying to impress  
Wanna feel the touch of your caress  
But I'm trying not to break down


	4. My Treasure Chest

I don't like very often   
I tend to lock it away  
Buried in a treasure chest  
And hidden far away   
But the sunshine still reaches it  
And so those feelings grow  
I hack at it with scissors  
And the feelings still don't go  
It's like poison ivy  
It makes me scratch and bleed  
Wrap round me in my sleep  
Growing like a weed  
There is no happy ending  
No flowers do bloom forth  
There’s but one solution.  
Let like run its course.


	5. Fireworks

I thought there would be fireworks.  
A fanfare of some kind.  
I thought I'd feel different  
Like something changed from inside  
I thought it would be romantic  
That you'd kiss me sweet and slow   
I thought there would be fireworks  
And somehow people would know,  
But nothing changed within me.  
But nothing changes without  
This concept of virginity  
To which some are truly devout.  
I thought there would be fireworks  
That's what the movies seem to say  
I really wanted fireworks  
Not just another day.


	6. Love Letter to a Mistake I Keep Making

You're on my mind,  
Handprints on hips.  
Kissed pretty lips  
Each time claimed mine.  
  
Your eyes are gold.  
And tongue so silver.  
That smile, it's a killer  
pinned in this hold.  
  
But this can't last  
My breathy sighs  
Blue ink bruised thighs  
This cannot last.  
  
It's you I adore,   
but I hate myself more


	7. Dust

I know how you feel about poetry  
You like the performance more than words.  
But I am not a performer  
So this will have to do.  
  
I can tell you now that this won't rhyme;  
We'll be lucky if it even makes sense.  
I'm not much for planning, which is funny considering  
How I always like to plan ahead.  
  
But you run so fast in front  
And I chase after your dust.  
You never look back  
And even if I wanted you to, I'd never ask you to.  
  
If you were to say what I wanted to hear  
I don't think I'd want to hear it anymore.  
Bit of a conundrum really, ain't it?  
If you're confused, same here.  
  
Because if I were to ask you to look back  
Or, better yet, to stay,  
It would change the way I saw you,  
And how I feel.  
  
We're something not quite opposites  
I'll try to keep up when I can  
But I hope you never stop running ahead  
Because I'd rather be left in your dust.


	8. Magpie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Mr Magpie

****Magpie** **

****

You never have friends.

You’re only one for sorrow.

Hear you on the rooftop

Crying for tomorrow.

You like shiny things

To stand out from the rest;

To stand shoulder to shoulder with peers

So you hoard trinkets in your nest.

If I hold up a mirror

Can you recognise your face?

Do you know what you are

When you stay in one place?

Iridescent petrol feathers

Perfect contrast: black and white

You sing in muted greys

Of broken lullabies

When it rains, you’re gone from the roof.

You can’t stick around

To sing me your rough melodies.

You can’t hear your own harsh sounds.

If I held up a mirror

Would you recognise yourself?

Can you keep a poker face,

Or do you have too many tells?

And when the weather is fair

You bathe in the beams

But when the storm comes

You’re scattered by the breeze

So to you, my bird of a feather

If I held up a mirror

Would I see myself better?

Something more or something greater

Than a friend who can only handle

Fair weather

My bird of a feather

Do me one better

Find a second, find the joy

Meet the girl and meet the boy

Don’t shun the silver, accept the gold

Learn the secret never to be told

Eight’s wish and Nine’s kiss

Experience all of it

But most of all

Be the tenth

Don't let yourself be missed.


	9. I Wish I Remembered You

I wish I remembered you

It’s not like I was too young.

That’s the excuse I was given.

But I was old enough.

Dad had memories from an earlier age than me.

I was naive.

I thought everyone would be around forever.

I thought you would be around forever…

Or at least longer.

Even if it wasn’t forever, I though _you_ would still be there

When I was old enough to make memories.

I don’t really remember you.

The memories I have of you

Are memories you don’t have of me

I was too late

To slow to realise that I wasted time

You always smiled when you saw me

I couldn’t always smile when I saw you

Not really; I faked it

You terrified me, somewhere deep down

Existential, unforgettable.

There are things I never got to tell you.

Would you have approved?

We never discussed things like this.

Would you have objected

To who I want to love or where I want to live?

I don’t think you would have

Because you loved so openly

And so constantly

But time took away my chance

To ever know for certain

I chased memories of you

I studied another language to hold you close

I moved countries trying to capture fragments of you

That I never held.

And now, I don’t even remember your name

Your real name - not the way I always referred to you as a kid.

As a kid, your mum’s name is mum. Your dad’s name is dad.

You were the same, you share your name with a million others.

Guilt.

That’s the feeling. That’s _this_ feeling.

I remember you

Gesturing rudely at dad

Mouthing off at him too

I remember the food - I’m always happy when dad gets your recipe right.

I remember that feeling of safety. Warmth.

You were home as much as home was.

But then your home stopped being yours.

You were taken far away.

To villages you grew up in

Talking to people I’d never met.

You always smiled at my sister and I.

My brother too, though you saw him less.

I always wondered what he thought

When those walls started crumbling

And the memories of us leaked out.

And dad, how he coped watching it happen.

It was different for him.

He was an adult.

But me…

Maybe I was too young.

You always smiled when you saw us.

You remembered us somewhere.

It makes me wonder

Did you remember the feeling?

That feeling of safety

Of warmth

Did you remember the Sunday dinners

And the soup?

Did you remember the smell of chlorine that

My siblings and I always smelt of on a Friday night.

You always smiled when you saw us.

Did you remember the feeling?

Of McDonalds drive through

And letting me stay up late

Of breaking up fights

Between my sister and I

Of collecting books for us

To read late into the night.

Of cops and robbers

Down the garden path

Did you remember

Your neighbours saying

What lovely grandchildren you had?

I remember that time you got drunk

When we were out to dinner

Because the service was slow

And the food was terrible.

You made us all giggle

And we got the meal

free

You always smiled when you saw us

Always, every time.

Even when you were back home

And decades younger

In a time before I was born

But you always smiled

Like you knew us

Like you loved us

Like you remembered us.

And I can’t even remember your name

I was old enough to know better

But too young to care.

I wish I paid attention.

I wish I had asked you about your life.

Instead I have second-hand stories

Of your life

And second-hand memories of mine.

I wish I had told you

How much I loved you

I really hope you remembered how much we all love you.

And then I got the call.

I hadn’t seen you in months.

I had moved out and far away

And getting home wasn’t easy.

They were all regrets I had

When I got that call.

Dad needed a hug.

I didn’t want to be touched.

But I hugged dad anyway

Because he needed it more.

People grieve differently.

I’ve been told that a lot.

But it was with you

That I saw it for the first time.

Dark jokes and tears and denial.

Numbness. Regret. Guilt.

That was mine.

I remember thinking

More people should have been there.

I didn’t want you to be forgotten.

I wish I remembered you as so much more than I do.

Instead I have memories

Of cleaning your house

And congealed food in the microwave.

I have memories of washing up

And fighting with my sister

Over who would dry up.

You were so much more

And you were robbed

And if I could do over one thing

It would be to let me remember you.


	10. To Trust in Two Months of Sun

****To Trust in Two Months of Sun** **

****

It’s not that you hate the rain

But you’ve placed your trust

In a weak sunshine doomed to

Fade and become a winter storm.

You don’t hate the rain

But it’s all doom and gloom.

You choose the sun even when

Your lands are scorched and dun.

You hide from the rain

Dooming your crops to die

You placed your trust in the sun

But the sun never would shine.

So it’s not that you hate the rain

But you hate the doom and gloom

You needed that warmth and light

to let your flowers bloom

It’s not that you hate the rain

But you aren’t prepared for the storm

Cracked dry lands will flood

With nature's harsh realities

You don’t hate the rain

But you can’t turn against the sun

When the rest of the world is a hurricane

You see peace in the tempest's eye.

You hide from the rain

Despite it needing to be

You’d rather see your world burn

Than face what is going to be

So it’s not that you hate the rain

Or even the looming storm

But the sun offers miracles

That rain can’t hope to perform.


	11. Clean Kitchens/ADD

**Clean Kitchens**

All I ask is the

Kitchen stays clean

I just wiped the counters

Made it glisten and gleam

All I ask is the kitchen

Stays neat and tidy

So I have time and space

To process these feelings inside me

All I ask is the kitchen sink

Be free from pots and pans

I tidied up just yesterday

What a waste of a day again

All I asked was for you

To put your recycling away

Since I’ve cleaned up after you

Every single day

All I wanted was

For the kitchen to be clean

But the mess made me short circuit

My brain needs rewiring

I didn’t yell or scream

At the mess you’d left behind

But take a second to think

About its impact on my mind

I don’t ask for much

Please, think back, I dare

You to try and remember

The last time I asked you to care

About the things that mattered

If only mattered to me

I needed that clean kitchen

To process my diagnoses

But a clean kitchen is too much

I daren’t ask again

I hoped maybe this time

You’d understand, my friend

All I ask is the

Kitchen please stays clean

I just wiped the counters

Left it so pristine


End file.
